I was pondering today and realized, wow I only have 10 more weeks left of pregnancy and I will be holding my baby girl in my arms. The feelings that come over me when I realize how my life is changing are unconditional. I'm sure every mom experiences these feelings of fear, excitement, nervousness, fondness, and uncertainty but maybe it's these feelings that help prepare us for the responsibility that awaits. It can be overwhelming at times realizing that I am carrying a human being, mine and Joe's daughter, a baby girl that one day will be experiencing the same emotions as me. Every morning I wake up and it seems her and my belly have grown more and seeing the change has made this experience even more amazing. I can feel her moving inside me and really there is no way to explain the way it feels or how cool it is, other than the gift of bearing a life is a miracle. I'm a little worrisome that she may be a night owl like me because she wakes up around 10:30 PM at night and tumbles away. I've become nervous of the labor and delivery but am assuming that is normal. I'm scared she will decide to come when I least expect it and I won't be ready at all.
Me and my husband have settled on a name for her, Lolah Lou, and I am absolutely happy with this name. My Grandma helped me come up with the name Lolah because one day I was visiting with her and asked her to name off a few old fashioned names. She named a few but when she spoke the name Lolah I fell in love. It is a universal name and also stands for "strong woman" which I love. Her middle name Lou stands for my Grandma Mary Lou that has passed. I feel I have never truly let go of the fact that I didn't get to know her more and that I was unable to be there for her in her sickest days, so I feel naming my daughter after her will help me heal in some way. Me and my husband also had a horrible time when it came to a name for her and when I mentioned the name Lolah to him he loved it and therefore we knew it was the name we would give our daughter.
So much has changed in our lives... again. I lost my job, which I felt was unfair, but I am past that because better things are happening. Joe has been accepted into USU and is starting college there this Fall and going to study Natural Resources. We are moving to Logan next week to start our new lives. I'm sure it won't be easy finding a job and being pregnant but I think it is most important to stay positive at this point. I'm so proud of Joe for starting his college education, but know it will not be easy and all I can do is pray that everything will work out. It is going to be hard moving away somewhere that I am not familiar with and family isn't around but I know I am a tough person and will make do. I also shouldn't say that there isn't any family because Joe's brother and his wife currently live in Logan and are going to College and I know they will be a ton of help. I am just use to living down the street from Gramp and Gram and 15 minutes away from Dad. My mother has also been living in Utah for a couple months while her husband is in training, and it has been an absolute blessing having her here, which is another reason it is hard to move.
Nonetheless, I know God has a plan and I know that this is all for the better and one day I will look back on this and be happy we decided to make this change in our lives. It feels like we are finally taking charge of our lives and making the most of our future. Lolah is going to be the largest change in our lives but I know she is going to be such a joy to us. I want the best life we can give to her and I know one day she will be grateful for these changes we are making.
I better get back to packing. Wish us luck!
I just went to Subway and stood in line for 30 minutes (when your pregnant and craving something you have to have it), but amazingly this didn't upset me, but another situation there did.
While standing in line at Subway a man about 5 people ahead of me ordered a combo. Well this man had a speech impediment even though he was completely coherent, he must have had a stroke. He was trying to tell the cashier at the counter that she had forgot to give him his drink. After attempting to tell her a couple times the cashier looked him right in the face and yelled "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY!!" he then proceeded to point to the cups and finally a light bulb clicked in her head this man couldn't speak well and she was just a total wench to him. This broke my heart as the man walked away embarrassed and ashamed with his head hung to the ground. This cashier completely made a fool of him and I had to keep myself from throwing my body across the counter and teaching her a lesson.
This situation touched me and made me realize that in everything we do we should never speak to a stranger this way (let alone anyone) and always respect those around us. Give yourself a chance to understand, slow down, and don't ever forget that we aren't all the same. I left there with a new view and although I felt saddened, I also learned a valuable lesson.
Well I haven't posted in a very long time and got quite sick of my mother nagging me to fix my blogspot everyday (love you mom), and also being there have been a large amount of changes in my life since the last time I posted I figured it's time to share.
Where to start.... I guess here....
As some of you may already know I worked with my father's company helping design kitchens for over 3 years. Last October my father's business had to let me go due to very slow business. Yes, my own father had to let me go. It was hard but I understood completely and want nothing more than his business to succeed as it has the last 11 years. I looked at the bright side and thought "ok this won't be too hard to find a job. I'm pretty smart, I'm quite good looking, I can find a job no problem". Well with all my confidence I still didn't find a job for almost 3 months. This really took a tole on me and it was also difficult on my relationship. After miscarrying in October, losing my job and finding no job for three months I felt like a failure and almost went into depression. Some how I managed to keep my head up though, as I knew that nothing would come about if I wasn't trying and allowed myself to be sad. After emailing about 300 resumes and submitting as many applications as possible I finally was contacted for two interviews. I felt so confident about both interviews but somehow still didn't get either job. At this time I started thinking "ok, what am I doing wrong? Am I saying the wrong things? Am I dressed the wrong way?" because I knew I was well qualified for both jobs. After failing two interviews I kept trying even though I felt all hope was lost. It wasn't until the end of January I was contacted by a business I had emailed a resume. The reply email simply asked if I could come in for an interview because they were interested in meeting with me. I emailed back and told them of course I was available for an interview and would love to come in, and asked for contact info. I went in for two interviews at this business and was told I'd be contacted on Monday if I was chosen for the job. Around two in the afternoon I got anxious so I decided to call them myself. I GOT THE JOB! I was asked to come in the next day to get started. I felt like a bird that had just learned it had wings. It was almost emotional after trying so many times and finally succeeding. This entire experience has really made me grateful, especially in this economic crisis. I absolutely love my job and feel so lucky it is all working out. For a long time I felt like everything was just falling apart, but I'm so grateful I pulled through. I am working as a receptionist/customer service for an online clothing, accessories, etc. company called www.myfashioncorner.com . It's also a blast because I get to see all the really fun stuff we carry and basically have a shopping center where I work. Shopping is getting a little difficult though, wondering why? Well read on....
Another change in my life has happened. This one is a change that will affect me for the rest of my entire life! <---------and I say that with excitement. In January I found out that I'm not alone. I'm expecting a baby!! I am so excited for this journey. I was really scared at first and quite paranoid because of my first experience with pregnancy. Every little pain I had was another worry stone in my path. I worried that if it happened again, I would possibly decide to never have children because of the heart break it caused the first time. Something about this pregnancy has been quite different from the start though. You may think I'm quite strange but I'm going to tell you about a first time experience and a second time experience.
My first pregnancy I had a dream. This dream wasn't really a good dream, it was quite sad. I dreamt that I was in the birthing room giving birth to my child. When my child was born it was no larger than the palm of my hand and was quite distorted. I only saw this baby for a split second because the doctors took it away as soon as it was born. It then came to the time for me and my husband to leave the hospital with our baby. We went to the nursery to get our baby and they gave us this perfectly healthy baby. As me and my husband proceeded to leave the hospital we both said to each other "this isn't our child, where is our child". We went back to the hospital and insisted on them giving us our child and they told us that our child was too weak and sick and we could not have it. I remember waking up hearing myself whimpering, apparently I was bawling in my dream because I had waken myself up. I was distraught for the entire day and even told my husband and several family members about this dream. For some reason I feel that this was possibly a sign that things were not going to turn out ok.
This pregnancy started with a dream that was quite rewarding and happy. It wasn't a long dream just short, cute, and simple. In this dream me and my husband had a baby boy. He was new born just brought home from the hospital. He was wearing green little pants with white stripes and a white onesie. He had tons of dark hair and was so tiny. Me and my husband were playing with him on our bed. We both would ponder at him with such joy in our eyes. We thought it was funny in this dream because every time we would move him he would whimper a little bit, like he didn't want to be bothered. We thought it was so cute. This was basically my entire dream but somehow I'm thinking it is foreshadowing a healthy pregnancy.
This was the start to what I felt has been a different, more positive pregnancy.
So far I am 13 weeks as of yesterday. I had my 1st ultrasound at 11 weeks 5 days and everything looked great. I have to say that ultrasound was amazing. Seeing my baby and it's little heartbeat pumping away was life changing. Knowing that this little person is growing inside my body and knowing that you can make a human being in 9 months amazes me. It seems like I waited so long to see that ultrasound and am at so much more peace now that I know everything is going ok. I'm taking prenatal yoga to help relax and keep me in shape, but also too connect me closer to my child for that hour and a half. I feel great after yoga, I love it. I'm so happy that me and Joe are getting to experience this together and I can't wait to be a mother. As some may know I've been a mommy to all my dollies since I was a year old and a great mommy at that, but I am so happy that I am experiencing it for real and forever. This is something I will never forget. This experience is helping me grow into a woman and I hope I can succeed and be as great of a mother as my mom has been to me. I'm nervous what the future has to offer but in this moment I am grateful.
Below are pictures of our little muffin ♥
On October 20th around 10:00 pm my husband rushed me to the ER. I was losing a tremendous amount of blood and was having horrible painful contractions. They got me hooked up to an IV, which this was my first time ever having one, then they started to take my vitals. My blood pressure was so low they wouldn't give me anything for the pain. After a while they came to get me to have an ultra sound done, this was so painful. The doctor was pressing on my uterus and while I was having a contraction it was almost unbearable. I was sqeezing the life out of my husbands hand and crying. The doctor didn't really tell me much and after a few minutes sent me back to my room. By this time I had lost so much blood they had to wheel me around in a wheel chair because my body was shaking and I didn't have the strength to hold myself up. Once I got back to my room they said my blood pressure had gone up enough to give me some pain medication. I was so happy to get something for the pain because only us women who have had contractions know exactly how painful these are. They gave me my dose and at first all I noticed was that it had just shortned the contractions but it hadn't taken away the pain. I continued to deal with the pain and they even gave me two more doses but it wasn't doing anything for my pain. At one point the contractions had got so bad my husband thought I was going to die. It was one of the scariest situations I have ever been in. I've never even had to go to the hospital except when I was young and had no idea what was going on. The lady doctor that had been helping me all night then told me my options. It was either a D & C or wait it out which could take several hours, possibly days. Me and Joe talked about it and as my pain just progressed and got worse I decided I would go through with the D & C. The lady doctor then proceeded to go get an OB from labor and delivery. Around 2:00 am I felt a gush and ran to the bathroom. I started feeling much better but the contractions weren't completely gone. When I walked out of the bathroom the OB was waiting for me. My husband had already noticed the change in my comfort and so did the OB. The OB then wanted to give me an exam to see if he could see anything. Well, he did and so he then proceeded to pull it out for me instead of me having to go through more contractions. It was so painful but immidiately after he got done I noticed a HUGE change. I wasn't feeling any more discomfort or pain and it was then that I knew it was over. It happened, I misscarried and I got through it. It's hard to explain how I felt through this entire experience. It started out very hard and very emotional and by the time I had come to accept it, it took over itself and passed on it's own. I remember times laying in pain and asking God to please just help me through and hold my hand, and I don't know who or what it really was but my hands had warmed up and I felt at ease for that moment. I know this experience has made me stronger and has made my faith in my family, god, and my husband grow. My husband truly was my hero this night. He made it ok, and helped me through. I couldn't have done it without him or without the support of friends and family. I love you all and lets never take anything in life for granted. We are all here for a reason and life chose us. I hope sharing my story has helped someone or somehow. This is somewhat of my journal and my spot to share my life and it makes me feel better to write about it and share, and I hope it helps you. XOXO Tori
I called this morning to get the results of my HCG test. The nurse then told me that my HCG levels had dropped from 9,000 to 8,000 and that was a indication that I'm miscarrying. She told me that if I bleed so much that I begin to get dizzy or nauseous then I need to go to the hospital, but if it stays regulated until Monday then Monday I will need to go in to get a D & C which is when they clean out the uterus of all tissues that are causing the bleeding. I'm sad and heart broken and these last few days have been an emotional roller coaster. It's hard waking up every morning excited for this new life that your carrying and then find out that it's not yet it's time. It's like the most amazing gift I could ever be given is being taken away from me, but I know that there's a reason that it's not this child's time. It's hard because everything is running through my head, Did I do something wrong? Does God not think I'm worthy enough? Does this mean I won't be able to have children? It's a cycle of wonder and let down.
What ever the case be I know that I will be ok once this passes and I know that someday I will have a child, but I will never forget this. As for now, me and my child are back to where we began. My child's spirit is back with God and me and Joe are back to just the two of us. It's hard accepting this but I just have to keep telling myself I will be ok and "this too shall pass". Thanks again to all of you for caring and being a great support. I will do my best to keep my head up and my spirit, though saying goodbye isn't easy.
Love ToriI posted this blog below on my myspace OCTOBER 14TH, 2008 Not good news...So, what started out as a very exciting pregnancy is sadly ending up to not look so good. On Sunday evening I started bleeding and was very scared so I had called a nurse at the hospital. She had told me that if it worsened to come into the ER. It hadn't got that much worse so I figured I would be fine and waited to go to the doctor the next morning. Monday morning I went into my doctor and he gave me an exam and explained that everything was looking fine but wanted me to get an ultra sound just to make sure. So from my doctors office I drove 20 minutes to go to the hospital and was given an ultrasound. The tech was taking all sorts of pictures of my insides and after a few minutes he explained to me what he was noticing. This was the news that I didn't want to hear, nor my husband. He had showed me my gestational sac and that usually there is a baby in it. He then told me he was unable to find a baby or detect a heartbeat. After my ultrasound my doctor called me and told me there are 3 possible situations that it could be: It could be too early in the pregnancy to see my baby and my dates could be off, I could have already miscarried, or the worst it could be a ectopic also known as a tubal pregnancy. I then was sent to have my blood drawn so my HCG levels could be tested. I should be finding out today what is going on, but it has been a very hard last couple days.
I never expected this but I guess anything can happen. At first I was having a really hard time accepting this but my mother explained to me that not only does everything happen for a reason but the body has it's own way of taking care of something. I'm scared to death but I know it's not the end. If this pregnancy can't succeed than all we can do is try again. I seem to do ok until I see pregnant women, their babies, or even just looking at my book What to Expect When Expecting, then it makes me feel a little empty. I know that things probably won't turn out too well but I'm still keeping hope. Whatever happens then we will work through it.
Just thought I'd share my trial with you, and I will let you all know what has happened.
XOXO
5 mins after I wrote this blog my doctor called me and told me my HCG levels (which is the hormone your body produces when prego). He said that they are around 9,000 and something and that that would put me around 4-5 weeks prego which would explain why I wasn't able to see my baby or a heartbeat especially with a abdominal ultra sound. It is still very scary though and there still could be something wrong, so I have to go back in on Thursday to get another blood test and see if the HCG levels are rising or lowering. If they are rising that is a good sign but if they are lowering it could be a bad sign. None the less, I am just praying that I am 4-5 weeks along and that everything is ok. It's just a waiting game. Thank you all for your support and caring. I appreciate it. Thursday I will have a little bit more info hopefully.
I don't know why but ever since I was a child I've had this dream. It wasn't a dream of being a millionaire or having all the toys in the world or even being the prettiest girl when I grew up, it was a dream of traveling across the world to somewhere that has always amused me. When I was little I remember looking at books and the pictures and being able to smell the highlands and rain and studying their culture. I would romanticize about the castles and kings and queens which once roamed in them. It was almost like my little fantasy world that I had always wanted to go. At one point in my life I even took dancing in hopes of one day traveling there for competition. I really don't know how this dream got sparked, whether it was seeing the movie Braveheart, I'm not sure but I was always fascinated. When I was in the 5th grade I had a teacher named Mrs. Baxter and her son was on a mission there and he was involved in something at a school and was letting Mrs. Baxter's students pick a pen pal from the class he was teaching. I got my pen pal and his name was Hamish Deans. I use to love to write him and ask him all sorts of questions as would he me. We kept in touch for many years and when letters died down we started emailing and even occasionally chatting on MSN. We lost touch when I was a sophomore in Highschool. It's amazing that this dream started when I was just a youngster in elementary and the dream still lives on. Someday I plan to go there and I know it will do more than exceed my expectations. I don't know why but I just felt like sharing this with the world. Possibly because I think it's important to have dreams. It amazes me also that at such a young age I decided this was where I wanted to go and was so infatuated with it and had never even been there. I hope someday I will be able to contact Hamish again and when I go to Scotland be able to meet him. I hope that you all still remember your child hood dreams and have either accomplished them or have plans to accomplish them one day. Don't let your dreams slip away from you, no matter how realistic or non realistic they are because what we dream up as children could be what we've all been searching for our entire lives. This is my dream, this is SCOTLAND
