Back to where we began...

I called this morning to get the results of my HCG test. The nurse then told me that my HCG levels had dropped from 9,000 to 8,000 and that was a indication that I'm miscarrying. She told me that if I bleed so much that I begin to get dizzy or nauseous then I need to go to the hospital, but if it stays regulated until Monday then Monday I will need to go in to get a D & C which is when they clean out the uterus of all tissues that are causing the bleeding. I'm sad and heart broken and these last few days have been an emotional roller coaster. It's hard waking up every morning excited for this new life that your carrying and then find out that it's not yet it's time. It's like the most amazing gift I could ever be given is being taken away from me, but I know that there's a reason that it's not this child's time. It's hard because everything is running through my head, Did I do something wrong? Does God not think I'm worthy enough? Does this mean I won't be able to have children? It's a cycle of wonder and let down.

What ever the case be I know that I will be ok once this passes and I know that someday I will have a child, but I will never forget this. As for now, me and my child are back to where we began. My child's spirit is back with God and me and Joe are back to just the two of us. It's hard accepting this but I just have to keep telling myself I will be ok and "this too shall pass". Thanks again to all of you for caring and being a great support. I will do my best to keep my head up and my spirit, though saying goodbye isn't easy.

Love Tori




I posted this blog below on my myspace OCTOBER 14TH, 2008

Not good news...

So, what started out as a very exciting pregnancy is sadly ending up to not look so good. On Sunday evening I started bleeding and was very scared so I had called a nurse at the hospital. She had told me that if it worsened to come into the ER. It hadn't got that much worse so I figured I would be fine and waited to go to the doctor the next morning. Monday morning I went into my doctor and he gave me an exam and explained that everything was looking fine but wanted me to get an ultra sound just to make sure. So from my doctors office I drove 20 minutes to go to the hospital and was given an ultrasound. The tech was taking all sorts of pictures of my insides and after a few minutes he explained to me what he was noticing. This was the news that I didn't want to hear, nor my husband. He had showed me my gestational sac and that usually there is a baby in it. He then told me he was unable to find a baby or detect a heartbeat. After my ultrasound my doctor called me and told me there are 3 possible situations that it could be: It could be too early in the pregnancy to see my baby and my dates could be off, I could have already miscarried, or the worst it could be a ectopic also known as a tubal pregnancy. I then was sent to have my blood drawn so my HCG levels could be tested. I should be finding out today what is going on, but it has been a very hard last couple days.

I never expected this but I guess anything can happen. At first I was having a really hard time accepting this but my mother explained to me that not only does everything happen for a reason but the body has it's own way of taking care of something. I'm scared to death but I know it's not the end. If this pregnancy can't succeed than all we can do is try again. I seem to do ok until I see pregnant women, their babies, or even just looking at my book What to Expect When Expecting, then it makes me feel a little empty. I know that things probably won't turn out too well but I'm still keeping hope. Whatever happens then we will work through it.

Just thought I'd share my trial with you, and I will let you all know what has happened.

XOXO

5 mins after I wrote this blog my doctor called me and told me my HCG levels (which is the hormone your body produces when prego). He said that they are around 9,000 and something and that that would put me around 4-5 weeks prego which would explain why I wasn't able to see my baby or a heartbeat especially with a abdominal ultra sound. It is still very scary though and there still could be something wrong, so I have to go back in on Thursday to get another blood test and see if the HCG levels are rising or lowering. If they are rising that is a good sign but if they are lowering it could be a bad sign. None the less, I am just praying that I am 4-5 weeks along and that everything is ok. It's just a waiting game. Thank you all for your support and caring. I appreciate it. Thursday I will have a little bit more info hopefully.