Here are a couple pics I took of the snow. Pictures don't do it justice though.
XOXO
Thursday, December 18, 2008
It's going to be a white Christmas!
Well this morning I woke up to a blanket of white covering the ground and cars. I first went out to take a couple pictures and shovel my drive way, which exhausted me. Joe then came home for lunch because he is just working down the street and as he was leaving to go back to work the truck tires were just spinning and spitting out snow behind it. Snow is beautiful but it also makes things more complicated. I've got a list of things that I need to get done before me and Joe leave on Monday to Virginia for Christmas, but apparently the weather has other plans. It's funny how a mixture of changes happen in the atmosphere and it can make something so beautiful, but yet don't under estimate this soft fluffy goodness. I'm sitting at my desk in my living room which is under a window that looks out at the road and as cars take these corners I see them slip and slide and it doesn't look fun, but hopefully things will start to get better out there because I have things to do before this holiday is here.... I guess if I don't accomplish them, at least we will have a white Christmas.
Here are a couple pics I took of the snow. Pictures don't do it justice though.
XOXO
Here are a couple pics I took of the snow. Pictures don't do it justice though.
XOXO
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
It happened...
On October 20th around 10:00 pm my husband rushed me to the ER. I was losing a tremendous amount of blood and was having horrible painful contractions. They got me hooked up to an IV, which this was my first time ever having one, then they started to take my vitals. My blood pressure was so low they wouldn't give me anything for the pain. After a while they came to get me to have an ultra sound done, this was so painful. The doctor was pressing on my uterus and while I was having a contraction it was almost unbearable. I was sqeezing the life out of my husbands hand and crying. The doctor didn't really tell me much and after a few minutes sent me back to my room. By this time I had lost so much blood they had to wheel me around in a wheel chair because my body was shaking and I didn't have the strength to hold myself up. Once I got back to my room they said my blood pressure had gone up enough to give me some pain medication. I was so happy to get something for the pain because only us women who have had contractions know exactly how painful these are. They gave me my dose and at first all I noticed was that it had just shortned the contractions but it hadn't taken away the pain. I continued to deal with the pain and they even gave me two more doses but it wasn't doing anything for my pain. At one point the contractions had got so bad my husband thought I was going to die. It was one of the scariest situations I have ever been in. I've never even had to go to the hospital except when I was young and had no idea what was going on. The lady doctor that had been helping me all night then told me my options. It was either a D & C or wait it out which could take several hours, possibly days. Me and Joe talked about it and as my pain just progressed and got worse I decided I would go through with the D & C. The lady doctor then proceeded to go get an OB from labor and delivery. Around 2:00 am I felt a gush and ran to the bathroom. I started feeling much better but the contractions weren't completely gone. When I walked out of the bathroom the OB was waiting for me. My husband had already noticed the change in my comfort and so did the OB. The OB then wanted to give me an exam to see if he could see anything. Well, he did and so he then proceeded to pull it out for me instead of me having to go through more contractions. It was so painful but immidiately after he got done I noticed a HUGE change. I wasn't feeling any more discomfort or pain and it was then that I knew it was over.
It happened, I misscarried and I got through it. It's hard to explain how I felt through this entire experience. It started out very hard and very emotional and by the time I had come to accept it, it took over itself and passed on it's own. I remember times laying in pain and asking God to please just help me through and hold my hand, and I don't know who or what it really was but my hands had warmed up and I felt at ease for that moment. I know this experience has made me stronger and has made my faith in my family, god, and my husband grow. My husband truly was my hero this night. He made it ok, and helped me through. I couldn't have done it without him or without the support of friends and family. I love you all and lets never take anything in life for granted. We are all here for a reason and life chose us. I hope sharing my story has helped someone or somehow. This is somewhat of my journal and my spot to share my life and it makes me feel better to write about it and share, and I hope it helps you.
XOXO
Tori
It happened, I misscarried and I got through it. It's hard to explain how I felt through this entire experience. It started out very hard and very emotional and by the time I had come to accept it, it took over itself and passed on it's own. I remember times laying in pain and asking God to please just help me through and hold my hand, and I don't know who or what it really was but my hands had warmed up and I felt at ease for that moment. I know this experience has made me stronger and has made my faith in my family, god, and my husband grow. My husband truly was my hero this night. He made it ok, and helped me through. I couldn't have done it without him or without the support of friends and family. I love you all and lets never take anything in life for granted. We are all here for a reason and life chose us. I hope sharing my story has helped someone or somehow. This is somewhat of my journal and my spot to share my life and it makes me feel better to write about it and share, and I hope it helps you.
XOXO
Tori
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Back to where we began...
I called this morning to get the results of my HCG test. The nurse then told me that my HCG levels had dropped from 9,000 to 8,000 and that was a indication that I'm miscarrying. She told me that if I bleed so much that I begin to get dizzy or nauseous then I need to go to the hospital, but if it stays regulated until Monday then Monday I will need to go in to get a D & C which is when they clean out the uterus of all tissues that are causing the bleeding. I'm sad and heart broken and these last few days have been an emotional roller coaster. It's hard waking up every morning excited for this new life that your carrying and then find out that it's not yet it's time. It's like the most amazing gift I could ever be given is being taken away from me, but I know that there's a reason that it's not this child's time. It's hard because everything is running through my head, Did I do something wrong? Does God not think I'm worthy enough? Does this mean I won't be able to have children? It's a cycle of wonder and let down.
What ever the case be I know that I will be ok once this passes and I know that someday I will have a child, but I will never forget this. As for now, me and my child are back to where we began. My child's spirit is back with God and me and Joe are back to just the two of us. It's hard accepting this but I just have to keep telling myself I will be ok and "this too shall pass". Thanks again to all of you for caring and being a great support. I will do my best to keep my head up and my spirit, though saying goodbye isn't easy.
Love Tori
I posted this blog below on my myspace OCTOBER 14TH, 2008
Not good news...
So, what started out as a very exciting pregnancy is sadly ending up to not look so good. On Sunday evening I started bleeding and was very scared so I had called a nurse at the hospital. She had told me that if it worsened to come into the ER. It hadn't got that much worse so I figured I would be fine and waited to go to the doctor the next morning. Monday morning I went into my doctor and he gave me an exam and explained that everything was looking fine but wanted me to get an ultra sound just to make sure. So from my doctors office I drove 20 minutes to go to the hospital and was given an ultrasound. The tech was taking all sorts of pictures of my insides and after a few minutes he explained to me what he was noticing. This was the news that I didn't want to hear, nor my husband. He had showed me my gestational sac and that usually there is a baby in it. He then told me he was unable to find a baby or detect a heartbeat. After my ultrasound my doctor called me and told me there are 3 possible situations that it could be: It could be too early in the pregnancy to see my baby and my dates could be off, I could have already miscarried, or the worst it could be a ectopic also known as a tubal pregnancy. I then was sent to have my blood drawn so my HCG levels could be tested. I should be finding out today what is going on, but it has been a very hard last couple days.
I never expected this but I guess anything can happen. At first I was having a really hard time accepting this but my mother explained to me that not only does everything happen for a reason but the body has it's own way of taking care of something. I'm scared to death but I know it's not the end. If this pregnancy can't succeed than all we can do is try again. I seem to do ok until I see pregnant women, their babies, or even just looking at my book What to Expect When Expecting, then it makes me feel a little empty. I know that things probably won't turn out too well but I'm still keeping hope. Whatever happens then we will work through it.
Just thought I'd share my trial with you, and I will let you all know what has happened.
XOXO
5 mins after I wrote this blog my doctor called me and told me my HCG levels (which is the hormone your body produces when prego). He said that they are around 9,000 and something and that that would put me around 4-5 weeks prego which would explain why I wasn't able to see my baby or a heartbeat especially with a abdominal ultra sound. It is still very scary though and there still could be something wrong, so I have to go back in on Thursday to get another blood test and see if the HCG levels are rising or lowering. If they are rising that is a good sign but if they are lowering it could be a bad sign. None the less, I am just praying that I am 4-5 weeks along and that everything is ok. It's just a waiting game. Thank you all for your support and caring. I appreciate it. Thursday I will have a little bit more info hopefully.
What ever the case be I know that I will be ok once this passes and I know that someday I will have a child, but I will never forget this. As for now, me and my child are back to where we began. My child's spirit is back with God and me and Joe are back to just the two of us. It's hard accepting this but I just have to keep telling myself I will be ok and "this too shall pass". Thanks again to all of you for caring and being a great support. I will do my best to keep my head up and my spirit, though saying goodbye isn't easy.
Love Tori
I posted this blog below on my myspace OCTOBER 14TH, 2008
Not good news...
So, what started out as a very exciting pregnancy is sadly ending up to not look so good. On Sunday evening I started bleeding and was very scared so I had called a nurse at the hospital. She had told me that if it worsened to come into the ER. It hadn't got that much worse so I figured I would be fine and waited to go to the doctor the next morning. Monday morning I went into my doctor and he gave me an exam and explained that everything was looking fine but wanted me to get an ultra sound just to make sure. So from my doctors office I drove 20 minutes to go to the hospital and was given an ultrasound. The tech was taking all sorts of pictures of my insides and after a few minutes he explained to me what he was noticing. This was the news that I didn't want to hear, nor my husband. He had showed me my gestational sac and that usually there is a baby in it. He then told me he was unable to find a baby or detect a heartbeat. After my ultrasound my doctor called me and told me there are 3 possible situations that it could be: It could be too early in the pregnancy to see my baby and my dates could be off, I could have already miscarried, or the worst it could be a ectopic also known as a tubal pregnancy. I then was sent to have my blood drawn so my HCG levels could be tested. I should be finding out today what is going on, but it has been a very hard last couple days.
I never expected this but I guess anything can happen. At first I was having a really hard time accepting this but my mother explained to me that not only does everything happen for a reason but the body has it's own way of taking care of something. I'm scared to death but I know it's not the end. If this pregnancy can't succeed than all we can do is try again. I seem to do ok until I see pregnant women, their babies, or even just looking at my book What to Expect When Expecting, then it makes me feel a little empty. I know that things probably won't turn out too well but I'm still keeping hope. Whatever happens then we will work through it.
Just thought I'd share my trial with you, and I will let you all know what has happened.
XOXO
5 mins after I wrote this blog my doctor called me and told me my HCG levels (which is the hormone your body produces when prego). He said that they are around 9,000 and something and that that would put me around 4-5 weeks prego which would explain why I wasn't able to see my baby or a heartbeat especially with a abdominal ultra sound. It is still very scary though and there still could be something wrong, so I have to go back in on Thursday to get another blood test and see if the HCG levels are rising or lowering. If they are rising that is a good sign but if they are lowering it could be a bad sign. None the less, I am just praying that I am 4-5 weeks along and that everything is ok. It's just a waiting game. Thank you all for your support and caring. I appreciate it. Thursday I will have a little bit more info hopefully.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
A dream...
I don't know why but ever since I was a child I've had this dream. It wasn't a dream of being a millionaire or having all the toys in the world or even being the prettiest girl when I grew up, it was a dream of traveling across the world to somewhere that has always amused me. When I was little I remember looking at books and the pictures and being able to smell the highlands and rain and studying their culture. I would romanticize about the castles and kings and queens which once roamed in them. It was almost like my little fantasy world that I had always wanted to go. At one point in my life I even took dancing in hopes of one day traveling there for competition. I really don't know how this dream got sparked, whether it was seeing the movie Braveheart, I'm not sure but I was always fascinated. When I was in the 5th grade I had a teacher named Mrs. Baxter and her son was on a mission there and he was involved in something at a school and was letting Mrs. Baxter's students pick a pen pal from the class he was teaching. I got my pen pal and his name was Hamish Deans. I use to love to write him and ask him all sorts of questions as would he me. We kept in touch for many years and when letters died down we started emailing and even occasionally chatting on MSN. We lost touch when I was a sophomore in Highschool.
It's amazing that this dream started when I was just a youngster in elementary and the dream still lives on. Someday I plan to go there and I know it will do more than exceed my expectations. I don't know why but I just felt like sharing this with the world. Possibly because I think it's important to have dreams. It amazes me also that at such a young age I decided this was where I wanted to go and was so infatuated with it and had never even been there. I hope someday I will be able to contact Hamish again and when I go to Scotland be able to meet him. I hope that you all still remember your child hood dreams and have either accomplished them or have plans to accomplish them one day. Don't let your dreams slip away from you, no matter how realistic or non realistic they are because what we dream up as children could be what we've all been searching for our entire lives.
This is my dream, this is SCOTLAND
It's amazing that this dream started when I was just a youngster in elementary and the dream still lives on. Someday I plan to go there and I know it will do more than exceed my expectations. I don't know why but I just felt like sharing this with the world. Possibly because I think it's important to have dreams. It amazes me also that at such a young age I decided this was where I wanted to go and was so infatuated with it and had never even been there. I hope someday I will be able to contact Hamish again and when I go to Scotland be able to meet him. I hope that you all still remember your child hood dreams and have either accomplished them or have plans to accomplish them one day. Don't let your dreams slip away from you, no matter how realistic or non realistic they are because what we dream up as children could be what we've all been searching for our entire lives.
This is my dream, this is SCOTLAND
Friday, October 3, 2008
Here today....
I haven't posted in a while so what better to do when your bored at work, eh? So a little update on my pregnancy, I have been doing great and feeling great. It's kind of strange how great I feel considering I'm only 9 weeks and most women are sick up to 3 months. I'm going to the doctor on the 15th of October and hopefully can talk my doctor into letting me hear my baby's heartbeat. At this point it still doesn't seem very real and I feel like I'm trying to do everything to make it seem real. I've already got my crib (special thanks to Joe's parents) which some people probably think I'm nuts but I came across a really great deal and couldn't pass it up. I'm very anxious to find out what I'm having and that most likely won't be until around Christmas which right now seems forever away but I know that it's really not. I'm absolutely thrilled to be a mother and share such a special treasure with my husband and family. You really don't understand how important life is until you're bearing your own. The body amazes me and almost feels of a whole other world when I really sit down and think about it, but what a wonderful experience god is giving me.
I'm listening to TOOL right now and I'm listening to the song Parabola which I think kind of explains this wonderful experience. In a way it really expresses how I feel and how precious life is. I will post the lyrics and I also added the song at the bottom of my page if your interested in hearing it. I don't expect everybody to like TOOL being that they are a very hard rock band but if you like great artists and people who put their all into what they do then I'm sure you'll appreciate it. I feel like I'm rambling but when I get talking about TOOL it's hard to stop. Honestly, if I could sell TOOL door to door I would ha ha. As for now I will say goodbye and wish that you all are doing wonderful and at sometime stop yourself in your day and "celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing".
Much Love XOXOXO
-Tori
I'm listening to TOOL right now and I'm listening to the song Parabola which I think kind of explains this wonderful experience. In a way it really expresses how I feel and how precious life is. I will post the lyrics and I also added the song at the bottom of my page if your interested in hearing it. I don't expect everybody to like TOOL being that they are a very hard rock band but if you like great artists and people who put their all into what they do then I'm sure you'll appreciate it. I feel like I'm rambling but when I get talking about TOOL it's hard to stop. Honestly, if I could sell TOOL door to door I would ha ha. As for now I will say goodbye and wish that you all are doing wonderful and at sometime stop yourself in your day and "celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing".
Much Love XOXOXO
-Tori
Friday, September 12, 2008
Nothing in particular
My mother told me about blogspot so I'm new here and just figuring it out a bit. I don't want to base this blogspot on anything in particular but just fun. I guess it's a spot to talk about what ever I want, whenever I want. I decided to mainly make it about family and life because family to me is the most important aspect of life. Being that I am only 21 I'm learning a lot about life and how this world works. Me and my husband recently found out that I am pregnant and this will be my first and I am totally excited about it, so I figured this would be a good place to write about my experience and share. Nothing more to say, just a little intro as to why I, Toriann, am here.
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